Things don’t always turn out how you thought they would.
Two and a half years ago, while very pregnant with our Sadie I stenciled this onto her bedroom wall. I picked colors and decorations for her nursery that could “grow with her”. At that point in our life, to me, that bedroom would always be hers.
Here we are, nearly 2 months after signing the intent to adopt E & J (4 months since they were placed in our home), and I had to paint over this wall yesterday. Every time I put J to bed I felt bad that he was in a girly room. So we made the room his, with boy colors, a boy bed, and cars & truck bedding.
If I’m being honest though, painting this room is not something that I wanted to do. We chose this journey, yes, but in it, we’ve given so much of our family. To me, I “gave” this room to Sadie. Picked the colors, decorations, and painted with her in my belly. I searched for the perfect lampshade, changed the knobs on the dresser drawers and picked out the pictures and artwork while shopping with a friend.
This room was her room. But it hasn’t actually been hers since October 24th, where we scrambled to move her crib and clothes out, and abruptly took down all of the girly decorations because we had 3 hours notice that we were getting a new placement.
As I painted yesterday, I was sadder than I wanted to be. I was giving a little boy his first ever room that was just for him… This should feel good! But that feeling just wasn’t there for me. Instead was a feeling of grief. I’m realizing that I won’t always feel what I “should” but I have to be easy on myself. I’ll get there.